Astrology

So I don't really know anything about astrology, but every once in a while, completely unbidden, I will suddenly blurt out "what is your sign" if it comes up in conversation. I do it kind of jerky-like, as though maybe I'm not actually saying it but some sort of astrology-obsessed alien is using me as a puppet. I mean, once I get the answer I have no use for it. Or maybe, deep down, I still harbor a hope that one day I will ask someone what their sign is and I will be completely blown away by it.

"Hey, what is your sign", I say, kind of stiff and wooden, like a puppet.

"My sign is the Falcon. I am mortal enemies with those who bear the hapless sign of the Horrible-Scary-Snake", they reply, crossing their arms over their chest in a giant "X".

I'm pretty sure, though, that while I can't actually name all twelve signs, or care enough to look them up on Wikipedia, that I would have remembered if there was a Falcon sign. And this brings up another point: I have gleamed that a function of astrology is determining your compatibility with other people, but this is really boring. I mean, I think people would care a lot more about astrology if it was more of a guide to who you should choose as mortal enemies. I think this would lead to all sorts of great drama in our day-to-day lives. Can you imagine finding out that your cubicle-neighbor was born in August and is therefore YOUR MORTAL ENEMY AND MUST DIE AT ANY COST?! Drama!

Also, I think the mortal enemy connections should be chosen by the probable real-life relationship of the astrological, uh, mascots. Like, I'm pretty sure that I (a Pisces, which I guess is some kind of fish) would be natural enemies with whatever month has the goat. Sure the goat is larger than the fish, and could probably eat me in one bite, but maybe I am one of those fish with the really poisonous organs.

And maybe instead of just directing us to whom we should harbor irrational hatred towards, astrology could also direct us toward other passionate relationships. I bet Pisces would get along really great with the crab-thing, so why not just be BEST FRIENDS! BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!!

Damn this astrology is making my life easier.

Oh, and I think that maybe astrology could help define other kinds of relationships so I wouldn't have to go through all the hard work of getting to know people! I'm thinking that one of the signs, like the lion (there is a lion sign, right?) could be a trusty sidekick! And maybe whichever sign has the magical unicorn could be like the harsh disciplinarian, but deep down they really just care about my wellbeing, but don't know how to show it.

How about it, astrology?!