Bacon

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When I was in college I worked at a kitchen store. It was a cool job because half of the employees were college girls, and the other half were middle-aged women who always brought me their leftovers. Most of them were really into cooking, evidenced by them working in a kitchen store, and so these leftovers were generally pretty awesome. I would say in the 95th percentile of leftovers.

Also, I got lots of free kitchen equipment. Usually this was because a $100 pan would get chipped or something so that we couldn’t sell it. This is where I entered the picture. I pretty much took anything home that was still vaguely usable because there was no line in my imaginary college budget for “kitchen supplies”. I would take home things that were scratched, bent, or missing parts for myself and my roommates, Kyle and Brian, to use and promptly destroy.

One thing that I learned is that no matter how expensive a non-stick pan is, you still shouldn’t beat eggs with a fork in it. Another thing I learned was the value of durability. It is really annoying having to be careful with things so you don’t break them.

One evening at work, I was millin’ around the store when I decided to learn about our comprehensive line of authentic cast-iron cookware. I did this so that I would be better prepared for customer inquiries, and also to kill some time. It was then that I was struck by how awesome cast iron pans are; you could run that shit over with a tank and you would still be able to use it! Also, that stuff is really cheap. I guess when all you have to do is pour molten metal into some sand you can pass some delicious savings onto the customer.

The best pan in that particular line of cookware was a griddle that went over two burners on the stove. This enabled you to cook twice as much delicious food at once! One side was smooth, and you could flip it over and it had some grill ridges for making steaks or something on the other side. The best part was that we could not destroy this if we tried!

Being that this was the first pan I was actually ever going to buy, I wanted to treat it right. It turns out that whereas destroying the pan by brutal force is near impossible, nature can destroy cast-iron cookware effortlessly with it’s +10 Rust Spell! To avoid this, you have to not store it in saltwater (sad!), and you are supposed to keep some grease residue on the pan to protect the metal from airborne moisture. I think this is what bacon is made for!

We rewarded ourselves for our diligent cookware maintenance education by making a whole bunch of bacon. Not only did this protein-rich meal provide a necessary delicious component to our diet, it also tested out the bacon-capacity, or "bacapacity" of our new pan. We made, like, 20 pieces at once!

I think that we all liked bacon before, but I wouldn’t have called us hardcore bacon aficionados until we got the griddle. After that, our daily routine was that one of us would wake up and then awake the others by making a whole big pile of bacon. That scrumptious smell would waft into our rooms and gently nudge us out of our dreams, just like the legend of Folgers flavor crystals.

Also, we discovered the importance of having ancillary foods available to soak up all of the valuable bacon grease left on the pan. We discovered that this is probably why God invented frozen shredded potatoes.

[its a good thing you wrote this at work because this is easily the most pointless thing ever written]